Hopeless
by rikalynch
Summary: He had been haunting his dreams more than Hell had the past few weeks. He was always there, close enough to touch, to hold on to, to feel protected by, but he wasn’t close enough. Dean/Cas SLASH. Don’t like, don’t read.


_**Hopeless**___**  
Summary: **_He had been haunting his dreams more than Hell had the past few weeks. He was always there, close enough to touch, to hold on to, to feel protected by, but he wasn't close enough. Dean/Cas SLASH. Don't like, don't read. _

**  
Hopeless!  
I'm falling down  
Filthy!  
I can't wake up  
I can not hold on  
I will not let go  
Worthless!  
It's over now  
Guilty!  
There's no way out  
I can not hold on  
I will not let go.  
~Hopeless- Breaking Benjamin  
**

He had been haunting his dreams more than Hell had the past few weeks. He was always there, close enough to touch, to hold on to, to feel protected by, but he wasn't close enough. And no matter how hard Dean tried, how fast he'd run, Castiel was always one step ahead of him, and he wasn't ready to slow down. It wasn't the torture that woken Dean with a start every morning. No, it was the angel that he couldn't have no matter how much he wanted.

It was Sam, of all people, that changed that for him. _Sam. _A drunken Sam.

_"Dean, 'm r'lly b'red. C'n w' do shomethin?"_

"Like what, Sammy?" A completely and surprisingly sober Dean asks his wasted brother. 

"_C'll your l'l ang'l d'wn h're and w'll play Trush Or D're!"_

"I'm sure he has better things to do than—oh, Sammy, don't give me the puppy dog look! Fine." He sighs. "Castiel? Drunken boy over here wants you!" He screams at the ceiling, feeling like a complete retard.

Castiel appears behind him in a flutter of wings. "Yes, Dean?"

"Sammy, why don't you _tell Cas why he's here?" Dean says with a roll of his eyes and a look of sympathy towards the angel._

"We're g'nn' play Trush Or D're!" Sam exclaims.

"What?" Castiel cocks his head.

"Word of advice," Dean starts before Sam can start rambling, "just go along with it. Sit down, grab a beer, I guess…"

_Castiel did as he was told, but he did not drink the beer. He just set it in front of him and stared intently at Dean, waiting for more instruction._

Dean chuckled and looked at Sam. "Sammy. Since it was your _**brilliant **__idea, why don't you start?"_

"'k. C'st'l, wh't's y'r'e b'gg'st s'cr't?"

Dean scoffs and locks his emerald eyes with Cas's ocean blues.

"I'm an angel… We don't have emotion, fear, and we most definitely don't have secrets, _Sam."_

"You're no fun." Dean says. "What's something you've never, ever done that you should have, or something that you did that you shouldn't have?"

"There was the one time where Uriel and I… actually, you probably don't need to know that. Um… I'm… still a virgin?"

Dean practically spits his beer out. "Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Wow. Sorry, you just don't seem like the kind of guy that would still… wow."

"I've never found it necessary."

Dean wished he would have taken that one time… just to take that one thing from Castiel. The one thing he had lost fifteen-some years ago.

But he was a coward. He was afraid to ask, but more importantly, afraid of what the answer might have been. He didn't want a _no._ It just wouldn't do. Drunken nights had always made up for the pain of not asking him. He felt like he wasn't whole without Castiel.

Then, there was the one day that he realised Castiel was slowly making a fall to humanity.

_"Cas?" Dean asked the angel, who was staring out of the window of the Impala, head resting on it lightly._

"Yeah?" He mumbles, eyes staring forward.

"What's up? You look depressed."

"I'm fine."

Dean doesn't believe him, but he sighs and focuses on the road.

Around twenty minutes later, he asks Castiel if he's alright again, but he doesn't get a response. He then realises that Castiel is sleeping. He chuckles softly and sets all his attention once again on the road ahead. 

He wished he could take it all back. He would have given _**anything **_to go back two days. The Impala, even.

Every night, he prayed. Prayed to change the one thing he had really screwed up on. Just to go back… to have a second chance. He would go back to Hell if it meant changing it.

"_Dean," Castiel whispered. "We should go. Sam's probably wondering where you are."_

"Sham? H's pr'b'bly 't th' m't'l sl'p'n."

"Still. Dean, let's go. Keys." Castiel demanded, palm out.

"Y'r'e n't t'ch'n' m' b'by." Dean protested.

"Dean, give me the damn keys!" Castiel tried to wrestle Dean down and get the keys out of Dean's pocket, but even a drunk Dean had an advantage: weight.

He pushed the angel off like he was a twig and got up. Castiel sighed and got up with him, and followed him to the car.

Cas got in the passenger seat and Dean tried numerous times to get the keys into the ignition. He smiled when he got them in and cupped Castiel's face.

"'m s'rry. J'st c'n't l't y' dr've 'er."

"I know how to drive. And you're drunk." Castiel complains. Dean silences him with a few small pecks on the lips, then he starts driving.

Dean is driving fairly well for a drunk, and the car is silent.

That is, until, Dean accidentally swerves into a tree.

The cliché's lied, but Dean already knew. Your life does not flash before your eyes. Dean reached out to try and save Cas's head from hitting the dashboard, but he's too late. He feels his own head smash into the steering wheel and all he sees is blackness.

"Why did I have to be so stupid?" Dean asks himself.

_Another driver witnesses the crash and immediately calls 9-1-1._

Paramedics arrive within minutes and struggle to get the men out of the car. The man in the passenger seat was to be announced DOA. The driver, they had some hope for.

"Dean," Sam says to his brother as he walks in the door. "I… brought pizza."

"Not hungry." Dean replies.

"You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry!" He yells, and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door angrily.

Sam, knowing his brother, calls "I'll save some for you then…"

Dean sighs and splashes some water on his face. More memories flood his mind, and he puts his back against the wall and slides down.

_Dean throws a book at Castiel and tells him, "research or something."_

Castiel, trying to lighten Dean's pissy mood, reads out loud.

"T-heh o-n-lie t-hi-n—what the heck? What does this mean?"

Dean tries to hide his amusement, but ends up bursting out in laughter.

"Ah, don't ever change."

"You do realise you killed my brother, right?"

"Gah!" Dean yells, and looks towards the voice. It's Zachariah. "Yes…" Dean whispers sadly.

"Well why are you just sitting there?" Zach questions.

"Nothing better to do…" Dean mumbles.

"Let's go."

"What?!"

Zach doesn't respond and he places two fingers to Dean's forehead.

"This is your second chance. Don't blow it this time."

With that, Zach is gone. Castiel exits the bathroom, a smug smile on his face.

"Sorry 'bout that."

"Castiel!?" Dean almost yells.

"Um… yeah… I thought I told you not to get that drunk?"

Dean's eyes water. "I'm staying sober. C'mere." He gives Castiel the biggest bear hug he can and a kiss on the slightly stubbly cheek.

Dean pulls his keys out of his pocket. "You're driving. Let's go."

"You okay?"

"Perfect."

***_* Did not mean to end it like that… my fingers aren't allowing me to backspace though… Oh well. Reviews are AWESOME!! **

_**rest in peace, jimmy sullivan from avenged sevenfold. = ( **_


End file.
